2009.1.29- Thursday

Ok so today i had my colposcopy and it was the worst thing ever.. they had to cut 3 samples from my cervix for testing and every time it cut it was like the worst cramps i have ever had.. its all swollen now and hurts so bad.. but i basically found out i do have HPV and i might have to have th front of the cervix removed so that the cells are gone and dont turn into cancer later in life. If what happened today hurt as bad as it did i dont even want to be awake for the next procedure.

I didnt expect that it would hurt that bad but it did and i was near tears.. but then i got McDonalds with mom and went to LeeLee and got some foods. We are basically going to lose our house i think bills are behind at least 4 months and its getting very bad. its all my mom's boyfriends' fault and i told her to move on.. she took the advice and is going on a date with a better man named Rick this weekend. I just want to see Alex and hold him its not even funny. with everthing that is going on i just need him and nothing else..

2009.1.28-Wednesday

I can't even begin to explain how much today sucked.. My meeting went less great than i wanted it to go i ended up tearing up and i am sure that Amy noticed it.. what pissed me off was not that i have certain goals to meet for the week because they are the same for everyone. its that i have to 4 days a week that get no Bath and Brush appointments.. Nikki and Amy are Groomers they get the most business because they do haircuts, and Chaslynn gets the most B&B appointments because she is there on the weekend.. if they were to switch our schedule the number would flip the same way. I think since i have the slowest days in the week it wont be fair that i have to BUST by ass harder to get more people in for my days when Chaslynn just has to do nothing and get all the dogs.. so Even though i work so hard to do my best its not going to be enough and i will get the Write up/ 1 point toward being fired. I also have a Problem bugging people at their homes and calling to ask if they want there dog washed.. its Ridiculous and i wont do it. he started to tell me " i dont think you are shy i think its something else" i was like.. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME? or what i was like in school or what i went through in my childhood to make me so Quite and scared to be around strangers. uhh it was annoying..

I then get a girl coming into my salon asking me questions about grooming a Chihuahua.. a SHORT haired chihuahua.. I said well you want us to give him a bath and brush and she was like " uhh no i can bath him myself" .. O.o THEN WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT!!! she was askign about his nails and stuff very very condescendingly i said "well with the bath and brush we do their nails and we express the anal glands" and she looked at me like i was diseased " you do what to their glands" i told her you have to express them or they can get infected and it costs a lot at a vet to take care of.. so she proceeded to say " ok so you sqeeze his asshole.. am i missing anything" i looked at her trying so hard to be nice and said well maybe if you want the Spa works too. she asks what it is and i explain it and she then Rolls her eyes and says " oooooook" and leaves.. I was so ready to fucking kill that bitch.. Stupid condescending hoe.. she looked like she was a hair stylist by the looks of her smock.. dont you think she would know what comes in a Grooming and or Haircut.. fucking idiot.


then near closing i called the woman to come get her dog at 5pm she asked what time we closed and i said 7pm and she didnt show up till 7:30pm to get the dog.. i was Pissed not only had my day been shitty but i literally wanted to kill someone..

I want to kill someone so badly right now its not even funny..

2009.27.09- Tuesday

Today was a Day that Sucked worse than any so far.. Work was the worst.. So my Main boss Stuart is a total idiot who everyone hates and he asked me if i had worked the past two days which he of all people was Clearly aware i had.. and asked if i had Pre booked any one for their next appointments and i said No because i Hadn't and i had not been aware either that we were supposed to be doing that but i guess we are.. so tomorrow i have to have a Meeting with him and my boss Amy.. she said that the basis of the meeting was that i was on the unproductive list for our store which let me remind you is based off of how many dogs i wash not how i am working in the store and keeping busy.. its ridiculous and asanine. So i will have the meeting tomorrow to set realistic goals i will have to follow and work toward and if i dont meet them i will be written up which is utter bullshit. I work in a grooming salon.. people will call us when they need out services , they do not want us calling them bothering them at their homes asking to bring their animals in. Another thing i work on Sunday-wednesdays. from 2-7 and those are times people are still at work and those are the slowest days of the week and so i have to suffer job wise because i have the slower days?!!? WTF.. of course Chaslynn is going to have the better marks and high Productivity marks SHE HAS ALL THE DOGS!!! she works the weekends when there are more animals.. if they really want to get more animals in there on my days they need to stop booking them all for the weekends and save them for the week days. that would make more sense to me. So i could potentially lose my job over things that i can not control directly. Bullshit.

Then i get the new that something bad has happened in Alex's family. i wont go into detail because its not my story to tell. buts definitely not what i needed to hear right now.. so i started to cry at work and i really hate doing that. i guess we will take it a day at a time and see how things go..

wish me luck for tomorrow i am really not looking forward to talking to that Douche Nozzle.

2009.1.26- Monday

work was dull the past couple of days.. i had one dog to groom besides my own.. there really isnt much to say today besides my clear uplifting spirit today.. i have been a bit happier not nearly as happy as i was before but also not nearly as sad so that it a nice change. This week will be boring Because work is dull, I work at Petco and mostly sit there all day and read. I am re-reading the twilight series and i am on Eclipse now. I had to re-read it because when i read i tend to skip things a lot and not retain the information in the book well.

When something really fun happens ill let you know i promise.. until then its going to be these short stupid blogs... However i did make a serious lapse in judgement and buy a Carne asada burrito tonight that i know i will feel later on.. My intestines do not agree with beef anymore at all. but anyway it was delicious and i loved it.. Alex has talked to me a bit today.. i wish more but i know he has a Load in school to work on and worry about but just a simple text is so much to me.. simple things mean the world to me.. taking a sexond to send a nice message that just says 'i love you' goes so far with me.. its just hard being someone's first GF because you have to teach them what to do, what to say, how to act. But he is better than all of the guysi have dated i will tell you that, he is caring and loving and he is smart and driven, and mature for his age in the sense that he doesnt let jealousy bother him like i do and he can be very mature in situations but still immature when it comes to me.. but he will learn with time.

2009.1.24- Saturday

Last night was rather nice. i Spent the day bored and upset and then Nicole came over and we hung out.. we went to get her some food at Serrano's and then went to Fascinations. I was Helping her in the ways of Sex toys.. We went to Walmart and were in the cosmetics/ condom region and i was telling her about Lube and it was Cracked open so it splatter all over the floor which was funny. we got a lot of talking out and i was talking to Alex the entire time.. He made me feel a lot better last night .. but when he doesn't say good night i get a little worried. So in turn it made me a little angry again. the boy knows that i worry about everything and he knows that he is the main reason for my worry because i would be nothing if something happened to him.. " I wasn't planning on living in a world whrere you didnt exist" is the plainest way i can say it. Going on 8 months.. its a great thing. i would not give it up, i cant be myself without him. Alex is pretty amazing. He may not think so but to me his is everything and more. If i had him forever i wouldnt need anything else.

I want to be happy again, i want to feel normal. Maybe it will happen one day but its not set in stone. Im the worst kind of person really, Always down, happy for short intervals. Never happy for a long period of time. Jealous, Possesive, Honest, Bitchy, Angry, Shut off.

But he seems to see past it and still love me and i dont see how its possible, But then again he is amazing, he can do pretty great things.

2009.1.23- Friday

Its a new year and already things have not been as wonderful as you would expect. I have felt more alone that anytime in my life. Though i am happily taken i am just unhappy with myself.. and my life.. on the 22nd i was told i could possibly have HPV and so i have to have samples taken from my cervix to be positive. I sure hope it is nothing and nothing comes of it.

Since the last time i posted, I have been to Korea, which was absolutely amazing, and i have gotten into a Stable relationship again. going on 8 months so that is an accomplishment. He is brilliant, and artist, a fabulous one at that. He brings out artist abilities in me i never thought i had, things are rocky right now with him being in Tucson at school and our not so frequent visits. However we will work through it someway and it will be fine.

I had a post from 2007 in here previously stating the importance of spending every second you can with your family and grandparents because you never know if that i will end soon. In September of 08 i lost my grandfather. He had been sick for a long time and it was time for him to go but it never stops hurting. Every time i see Spock from Star Trek i think of him. he always looked like him.

anyway ill try to keep you updated for anyone that wants to read..